The confessions of a novice runner

I knew today's run was going to be hard. 15 miles is a crazy amount of miles to run and I approached it with more caution than my previous runs and I am sure this mental doubt certainly hindered my efforts, along with the snow, sleet and rain that had me soaked to the bone by mile 4!

For the past 7 weeks, my weekly long run has increased week on week, never allowing me to simply plateau for a week and repeat the distance with confidence. Whilst I know this is an important part of the marathon mental preparation as I will never actually run the full 26.2 miles before the big day, it is really hard going. Thankfully, next week I get to repeat my 15 miles before increasing to 17... gulp!

However today's run did have a few highlights including a row with a dog walker (and I admit I might have been in the wrong for which I must pass blame to my obviously low Glycogen stores)! Now before you read the following please also consider that I had spent a good few miles being "shot" at by the Saturday shoot. Seriously they were out in force today and at points I was leaping around so my fluro jacket was seen (in my mind through a gun sight) and I wasn't mistake for a plump Partridge. Many times I nearly pooped my pants as the shots felt like they were whizzing straight past my ear and that I was an extra in Saving Private Ryan!

So with no further excuses as I can tell you are itching for the goss here goes my-row-with-an-oldie in glorious technicolor detail. Imagine it, mile 11, cold, tired, wet and 4 miles still to go. At this point I had been running for nearly 2 hours and hadn't seen any sign off life for 6 miles, apart from being shot at which does very little to warm the cockles for humanity. So when I finally did I was so overcome with being back in civilisation that I think I experienced extreme acclimatisation (surely it is not farfetched?). So there I was going stir crazy, thighs aching when I saw a man a few hundred yards in front of me with two dogs, one of which was squatting. To my utter horror, when the squatting dog returned to the more traditional standing pose his owner failed to remove the offending item with a poopa scooper (lesson number one: not all dogs are male). So (and here is my second lesson) without removing my headphones I pointed to the spot and said "pick up the poo". Now I appreciate that seeing a crazy runner lady wearing a (slightly too small) boys Florescent jacket, orange shorts over running leggings, ski head band and 80s legwarmers shouting might be a little starting. Add to the equation that I was probably suffering from headphone deafness which amplified my "pick up the poo" comment to screaming banshee levels. At this he gave me a quizzical look (which I took as defiance) so I repeated myself and this time he responded. Now because I still hadn't removed my headphones I couldn't make out the response but was now close enough to lip read the word "bitch". At this I yanked my headphones out of my ear and said "there is no need to be offensive, I was simply asking you to pick up your dog poo" to which I got the reply "I simply said my dog is a bitch and had just urinated"... OMG please ground swallow me.... nope that didn't work so instead I picked up my pace and ran on.

Cringy huh! But it got worse when I realised that the song playing (and which was still belting out in clear audible tones to the poor man) was, you guessed it, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT. Seriously you couldn't make this stuff up!

I will be buying next months Cotswold Style to see if  "angry resident of Faringdon" has complained about crazy runner lady listening to tunes supporting the irresponsible release of dogs!

So dear readers... am I forgiven?

All things equal

Having set the alarm for 5.45am I was on the treadmill before 6 on ANOTHER training session. It's a surreal thing yawning whilst running... I am not sure I was fully awake until at least mile 2 and I found it really hard going and was definitely running on empty. But it felt great knowing my session was done by 7 and I could enjoy my day without it hanging over me. This will definitely be repeated however I will ensure my previous evening meal is carb central. Let's clarify I'm not thinking lentils. I am my very own pasta party with a mountain of pasta smothered in rich, yummy sauce and heavenly cheese, with a side of cheesy garlic bread (Six Bells recipe of course fellow Sussexites)  followed by uber pudding rations... after all there need to be some perks and as weight loss is most definitely not a recommendation for would be "endurance runners" I don't need telling twice.

I have also had another couple of donations taking me up to a total of £447 from 15 very generous donors which is amazing but still a long way to go. I am coming to realise that highs don't always last long and before long another friend had shared their own sad cancer story, agreeing "it's bloody horrible". And I ponder natures own quest to create a stable equilibrium and wonder whether, maybe, subconsciously, through onemillionpence I have unwittingly created my own stabilising equilibrium. The minute I get too confident I get a healthy reality check to keep me focussed on the overall purpose. Conversely the minute I get too exhausted and deflated I get my very own, personal pep up. Who needs a life coach when you have the challenge of onemillionpence? So being a (failed) maths A-level student I have created my own pledge formula:

(Another day, another request for a cup and another cancer story) + (Another day, another run and another donation) =  positive outlook

And I definitely need to apply this positive outlook to this weeks run. 15 miles just seems such a big number. So much more than 13 and I am totally in awe of it but am focussing on it "only" being 11 miles away from the big 26.2 once I have finished! The goal suddenly seems almost achievable and I am now upping the stakes and looking at my improving my marathon time but with one caveat; I know I won't win and, for once, that is good enough. At 37 years old getting around without my knees giving up will be an achievement in itself but if the kids think my medal is going to become dressing up box asset they need to think again. I will be wearing my "necklace" every day with pride.

Footloose

After my mammoth 12.5 mile run Friday my feet hurt... lots! So I waddled off to the local running shop to get my "gait" analysed. For the uninitiated, this means filming you running on a treadmill and then analysing the footage to see how your feet land and take off, helping identify where you need support and thus the right shoes!

So feeling like a real pro in my Nike 15s on I hopped, proudly proclaiming "my pain got worse at mile 8 of my 12.5 mile run this morning", and "Yes! I am in training for The London" (I am learning the running lingo!). As the treadmill came to a halt, I smugly sauntered over to the screen to watch the footage (in my mind I looked like Jessica Ennis, in reality I was more Jessica Fletcher (AKA Mrs Murder she Wrote)). Oh how reality bit in that moment and I wanted to cry. Why?

• Firstly (and most humiliatingly), the camera is angle was arse to ankle... from behind! Now I don't know about you but I have never seen myself from behind, apart from those strange angled changing room mirrors, and it’s a traumatising experience I never want to repeat!
• My beautiful fluro Christmas present shoes (can't get used to calling them trainers) were so obviously not supporting my right hand ankle. This was leading to the inside of my arch taking the full brunt of every step causing the pain.

The long and short of it is that I am now £100 lighter and I have another pair of shiny shoes. The silver lining is that the fluro Christmas pair is not wasted and can still be worn on shorter runs and for cross training!

So tonight whilst whiling away another hour on the treadmill I was trying to analyse whether the new shoes felt any better (there is still residual pain so probably too soon to really tell). Anyway it got me wondering what a battering my poor plates of meat are being subjected to. My tootsies are normally lovingly housed in fluffy slippers and buffed and loved and painted on a regular basis in various shades of hot pink, cherry red and black cherry purple. But since the training began they have become horrors; I have already lost big toenail and have a blackened second toe and that is just for starters. The only upside is thank goodness it is not flip flop season... yet!

Anyway I decided to do some mental arithmetic so counted the number of steps I took in a minute and then used this to calculate the total steps I am likely to take during my 100 hours of marathon training.

160 steps per minute x 60 minutes per hour x 100 hours = a MASSIVE 96,000 steps! No wonder they are not happy!

Naturally my podiatrist has been way ahead of me as usual and procured a myriad of foot loving items to help my tootsies recover and keep pounding the streets and here are my 3 foot loving criminals (see what I did there... and yep Scooby Snacks is on the running pod – click here to remind yourself)

3rd criminal

2 pairs of super special, anti blister socks. Hardly Jack Wills in the fashion stakes but they lovely and soft and cushion my ball and heel and so far NO BLISTERS! If only they came in a colour way which was a little more on trend and coordinated with my running outfit!

2nd criminal

£200 of trainer wear - who knew I could spend this footwear and it not have heels and sparkly bits?

1st criminal

Like us you have probably seen the advert, chuckled at the naffness, and wondered who bought these items? Well now you know! The only moan is you only get one; what you really need are two so you can tickle your tootsies together!

So with that chav admission shocker I have one final bit of cheese to add.... yes Footloose is one of the cheesy songs on my running pod – click here to enjoy a bit of Kenny.

Going for gold

It's official. My golden bond place is now confirmed and I am an official entrant of the Virgin London Marathon 2013 for Breast Cancer Care - GULP!

Up until today all my training advice and support has come in the guise of friends, previous marathonites experience, books and magazines (that is a whole other blog believe me - bet you can't wait!). However now I am an official entrant with a golden place I have the opportunity to attend a "Golden Bond Meet the Experts" training seminar taking place next weekend in London.

So whilst I would normally scoff at spending the day listening to "Expert Speakers" discuss training techniques, diet, injuries and clothing but I am (whisper) really excited and am already thinking about what I can quiz the experts on; How can I calculate my marathon time? What should my marathon pace be vs my short run pace? What is the difference between an ache and an injury? Can I increase my natural stride length? Are short sessions like Kenyan hills / Fatlek / Interval training really helping me as they seem too short? yadda yadda yadda

Who knew that the term "pacer groups" would grab my attention? And, even though I realise that this context of "clothing" doesn't mean the latest from Paris, but rather the latest from Lycra, I am still itching to get a day pass to attend and get my foot scanned my Adidas. Seriously where has my life gone? It appears there has been a keep fit queen hidden within this couch potato all this time... fancy unlocking your closet green goddess?

S'no joke!

This recent deluge of snow has had me in a real quandry. Usually I am the first one chanting for snow and building snowmen but this week I have watched the weather reports in alarm. The forecasted snow reports put my carefully devised and systematically followed training plan in danger. Seriously I have become the type of running bore (AKA big brother) that I used to tease!

Having missed yesterdays run due, in part, to the 3 foot of snow that lay on the ground but also as a precaution from an injury sustained during my extreme sport class on Monday (ballet) I spent far too much time last night pondering my options instead of sleeping:

1) accept a missed weekend of training
2) undertake a short training programme on the treadmill
3) attempt 2 hours on the treadmill

None of these were proving acceptable options as I have become paranoid that missing just one long run will undo all my training thus far. And so in true Mad Dog and Englishmen style I donned my gear this morning and went on my 12 mile run. 2 hours later I had perfected the art of ice-running ... which looks very similar to i've-had-an-accident. In fact some sledge pulling, baseball cap wearing teen even shouted out a less polite version to me which was quite some highlight. It seems I have reached the age where I no longer provoke wolf whistle reactions but rather suggestions of incontinence. Wow how rock and roll.

Anyway it was such a beautiful run I stopped to take some pics (another reason for the poor pace I like to think)

Yes I ran along these and managed to get home intact. And having read the importance of ice baths I decided to use nature and ice al fresco!

And before you ask... yes my luminous shorts do match my luminous trainers and yes they did look  ridiculous but gave me some derrier warmth. And yes those are leg warmers - normally only used  for ballet (and fancy dress naturalment) so it was good to get some additional wear from them. I have to admit I do look rather fetching and would have blended in perfectly at an 80s keep fit convention. Talking of which it did prompt me to add "Let's get physical" by the gorgeous Olivia Newton John to my running playlist. Hilarious video - click the link above.

And whilst I think about it I have added one more beaut to the running playlist. "We Speak No Americano" by Yolanda Be Cool. Doesn't ring a bell? If you have watched the Inbetweeners Movie and the hideously embarrasing dance scene in the club... link here for those of you who want to watch it again. I actually do some of the arm moves whilst running and then start laughing... oh dear me.

So my determination is keeping me focussed and the donations are slowly coming in (we are now at £180 thanks to a recent donation from Karen - thank you!) but if you haven't already sponsored me then please think about the hours and pain and commitment this marathon is and click here to sponsor me. I promise to refrain from closing each and every post with a plea for cash but today I have even impressed myself with how deep I dug but it is not just me who is impacted; Tom and Thea lose mummy for a portion of the weekend whilst I train, Mark supports me in every way possible and more, friends have agreed to have Thea so Mark and Tom can come and support me in London without having to amuse an inquisitive 2 year old, other friends have arranged my pre marathon shelter at their brother in laws in Greenwich and many more people. I know this just the start of a year where my friends and family will amaze me with their love, support and generosity. So thank you!

With friends like these...

After my unexpected high of achieving 10 miles last weekend - I had no idea that getting into double figures would give me such a sense of achievement. Until now every long run was just met with me doing the mental arithmetic causing mass huffing and puffing about the mountain ahead (26 miles less 9 miles = 16 MILES WTF!)

Anyway as I was saying, after my unexpected high of achieving 10 miles last weekend I was amazed and touched to find the following on my desk Monday morning (and it is Gluten Free too!). Thanks Kate.

The power and immediacy of the internet has enabled the 1,000,000 pence pledge to swiftly be absorbed and, hopefully, enjoyed. This has created an unexpected and most appreciated tidalwave of support, questions of my sanity and general love. I am amazed that my most popular post (Size does matter... I wonder what people were expecting with that gem!) has received 84 views. Now I know that for most people that is a very small number but to me I find it overwhelming that I have generated so much interest in just 18 days... how I hope this trend continues.

It is also thanks to the wonder of the interweb all my friends, family and colleagues are being kept (whether they like it or not) up-to-date on my progress via Facebook. As I have mentioned before this keeps me focussed and stops me from dropping training sessions as I am under the, probably deluded, impression that my friends are actually keeping tabs. Someone commented not long ago that I am the equivalent of a diet angel; every time they go to eat a pork pie / slice of cake / cheese board they do the Facebook check and immediately get faced with yet another Smug Map My Run posting from me forcing them to replace fattening food item and go in search of something far healthier. Maybe I am on to something. Forget excruciatingly, humiliating public weigh ins and just "Like" me and I can guilt you into eating better...

Sign up TODAY and pay £5.99 for the rest of your life and get access to your very own personal Diet Angel.

Dragons Den QVC here I come.

Now if you are struggling with the January diet please don't hate me but I am scoffing for England! Now that isn't because I am the size of a flea or because I am one of those hateful people who "can eat anything" but because all (and I mean ALL) the training manuals, books and experts underline the importance of not losing weight during marathon training. For those of you that know me, it is rare that I actually listen to (or indeed seek) advice but on this occasion I realise that EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT is good with me and advice I ought heed... What are the chances of me becoming the world’s first Marathonite to actually put on weight!

 

 

More cheese!

Another day and another "short run" (6 miles). I am actually beginning to find these 6 milers relatively OK... I am not aching all day and am therefore able to continue with "business as usual" once showered and dressed which is great progression (in fact getting dressed rather than wearing a onesie is progress). A little daunted about the prospect of 10 miles tomorrow but I am sure the magic shoes will carry me around.

As I clock up more miles I am realising the importance of music on my pace. It is now that I wish more than ever that I had amazing taste in music and could therefore share a list of amazingly "fab" songs which would epitomise me as the queen of all things cool... however for those that know me I am more the queen of cheese! So, without further embarrassment, explanation or justification I am coming out. Here is my cool wall of running toooons (click the pink words to link to the You Tube video):

• My all time favourite it has to be S Club Party, seriously once your laughter dies down try listening to the track without doing the "S" move with your finger!
• My close second is Olly Murs’ Dance with Me Tonight. Fab beat and instantly reminds me of my son, all his friends and his teacher and their morning wake up shake up routine... and there goes another 3 minute and 22 seconds (just over 1/3 mile).

The next few are in no particular order but as with the two above I have added links for your own pleasure!

• I like to move it move it ...Madagascar version obviously; visualising dancing cartoon animals definitely gets your mood up and feet pounding. 
• Jai Ho” ...brilliant for the hills. Naturally it has to be the Peter Kay Children in Need version. If you haven’t watched this you MUST. Who can't resist Paddington Bear on the electric guitar, Wendy (together with her bit on the side Bob the Builder), Fifi Flowerpot, Fireman Sam, Thomas the Tank Engine, Postman Pat (Note: Emily Charlie will love it!), Iggle Piggle, Sooty and Sweep and many more kids favourites rocking out to a medley of tunes. 
• Biology ...You can’t mistake my biology!
• Big Girls...Big girls you ARE beautiful  
• Chasing Pavements...The lyrics mean a different thing when your feet are pounding the streets (Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasin' pavements? Even if it leads nowhere)
• Do you thing ... another corker in my opinion gotta love Basement Jaxx
• Alphabeat's Fascination... listen to it and you will certainly remember it. Cheese tastic!
• Psy Gangnam Style... I try not to Gangham Style dance whilst running cos I get odd looks when I do especially when I fall over (not that I admit to that of course)
• Girls, Sugababes... It reminds me of Boots and the fact I really ought go stock up on Vaseline, anti blister plasters and other such delightful products!
• Mr Brightside, The Killers... rather left field for me but love it!
• Praise you, Fatboy slim... the original flash mob 
• Rock your body, JustinTimberlake... my besties and I love this and it reminds us of some fab times in our twenties pre children
• Sexy and I know it ... I try not to sing out loud to this one especially past the pensioners (the video link listed even comes up with an "inappropriate content" warning!)
• Beyonce’s Single Ladies... check out her thighs in the video link. It's enough to get me training hard in the hope that maybe one day I might have similar limbs!
• Wham Rap... seriously am I the only one that doesn’t know all the lyrics?
• What makes you so beautiful, One Direction... see I am down with the kids! How scary is it that I am old enough to be their mother!

So there you have it, my cheese ball running chart. Hope you enjoyed this as much as I have.
One more cheese themed nugget...

Q: What cheese do you use to get a bear down a mountain?
A: Cam-on-bear (Camembert!... get it?)